Mike Lemme

The St. Mark's Sessions begin November 10th!

Ted Cruz: A Tale of Two Twitters

Putting our political views aside, I think we can all agree that whoever is running Ted Cruz’s campaign doesn't really want him to be president.

Today, before giving a speech at Liberty University, the self-proclaimed “courageous conservative” announced via Twitter that he’s running for president. Hey Ted, you know who doesn't use Twitter? Courageous conservatives. You’d be better off announcing your candidacy on FarmersOnly.com

As of right now, Ted Cruz’s two tweets about running for president only have a combined 13,000 retweets. And you know who isn’t one of those 13,000 people? Longtime Ted Cruz supporter, Senator Ted Cruz!




That’s right, Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts, both for his political beliefs! Because apparently to Ted Cruz, the expression isn't “don’t shit where you eat” it’s “I’m so full of shit, I need two toilets.”

Ted Cruz, you’re less than 24 hours into being the first person campaigning for the 2016 election, and you’re already losing to nobody! I know you were able to became a Texas senator because of how conservative you are, I get that, but now you’re running for president! You have to get the support of people who don’t share your opinions! You have to start lying!

You made two twitter accounts for a reason. It’s time to leave Senator Ted Cruz in the dust and embrace future President Cruz.

The most important thing you have to do is drop the “Ted.” You have to play up your strengths! Start going by your original name, Rafael Edward Cruz. Hey, if some people voted for President Obama just because he’s black, do you know how many people would vote for you just because your name is Rafael?

When Hispanic people ask you to spell your name, you say it’s R-A-F-A-E-L. When young, impressionable hipsters ask you to, you say it’s R-A-P-H-A-E-L. And they’ll be like, “Oh shit, like the Ninja Turtle? You got my vote, Mr. President.”