Mike Lemme

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Akron Pooper: Disgusting Dude or Vigilante Justice?

As any fan of comic books can tell you, superheroes usually start out having bad relationships with the police. Cops see them as enemies, instead of the symbol of street justice uniformed officers can’t be.

Ladies and gentlemen, after years of waiting, America might finally have its first real superhero and the cops are already trying to shut him down…

 Authorities in Akron, Ohio are searching for this man

Our hero, seen here in his trademark “pants down, ass out” costume, is wanted for allegedly pooping on the hoods, door handles, or inside of 19 cars in 3 years.

 Listen, is that disgusting? Absolutely. However, if you woke up to discover somebody shit on your car, wouldn’t part of you be like, “this might be my fault. Who are my enemies?”

Why are we poop-shaming this man?! We should be giving him names, addresses, and license plate numbers. Did somebody do you wrong, but you’re too afraid to stick-up for yourself? Who you gonna call? Poopman.

 Are you making 30 cents less than your male colleagues? What if I told you I know a guy who’ll happily shit on your boss’s car every night for the rest of his life…for free? Think the cops in your town are a little racist? With Poopman and a little help from Taco Bell, those cops will be too busy cleaning mudslides off their windshields to harass anyone.

So here’s to you, Superpoop. You might not be the hero we want, but with some Febreeze, this could be the start of a great Christopher Nolan trilogy.