Mike Lemme

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Government Approves Powdered Alcohol

Today, we had a scientific breakthrough. For years, the world has been waiting, and we finally have an answer to one of life’s oldest questions, “How else can we get fucked up?”

 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Palcohol. 

 Photo: abcnews.go.com

Photo: abcnews.go.com

That’s right, powdered alcohol. Of course, the creators are calling it Palcohol, because Twitter wouldn’t accept the company’s original name “@ComeOnBroYouKnowMeIDontDoCocaineAnymoreINC”

 Palcohol. While some scientists are trying to find cures for Ebola, AIDS, Cancer, others are trying to find a cure for people who know they’re alcoholics. “Oh you won’t bring me to the liquor store? Jokes on you, you forgot I’m a scientist.”

 How does it work? Well you simply pour the powder into six ounces of liquid and boom, you have a mixed drink. So the next time you visit your friend who’s getting a PhD in philosophy, you can ask, “Hey did you pee in this Poland Spring bottle or is it Rum?”

 Then you take a sip and realize it’s actually a combination of rum and urine. Hey, if philosophy doesn’t work out, your friend can always open a bar with Bear Grylls.

Now, it shouldn’t be surprising people are upset about Palcohol. Some say the government is making it easier for kids to get alcohol. Others believe the product should have more regulations before adults can consume it. And even seven states want to ban it!

 But don’t worry, the government still cares about your safety. According to the makers of Palcohol….

 Photo:  a  bcnews.go.com

Photo: abcnews.go.com

That’s right, the government is fine with you getting drunk off a sketchy powder, but they will protect you against those horrifying lemon drops.