Mike Lemme

The St. Mark's Sessions begin November 10th!

FDA Legalizes OxyContin For 11-Year-Olds

The FDA will allow doctors to prescribe the powerful painkiller OxyContin to 11-year-olds, but only if they can already tolerate 20 milligrams of oxycondone (OxyContin's lame older brother, who goes home early).

As a result, some 11-year-olds will feel relief from tortuous pain caused by diseases and injuries, while other 11-year-olds will feel a whole new kind of pain caused by their parents being disappointed in them for not being addicted to painkillers.

"Oh I'm sorry, sweetie, you're in pain? There's nothing I can do until you go back to your room, find some more pills with oxycondone, and snort them! In this family we have rules! You know we don't take our Oxycontin until we finish our oxycondone. We do not eat dessert before dinner."

On a side note, one completely healthy 11-year-old is now describing recess as being "chill as fuck."