Mike Lemme

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I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream, Our Ice Cream Is Full Of Listeria

After it was revealed that the Blue Bell ice cream contaminated with listeria could be responsible for the deaths of three people, another ice cream company called Jeni's recalled all of their products and temporarily closed their 20 stores, because a sample of their ice cream tested positive for the same bacteria.

Jeni’s shut down because a small sample of their ice cream might kill you. Which begs the question, can we recall cops?

Blue Bell and Jeni’s are both kind-of hipstery ice creams. Blue Bell describes itself as “old-fashioned” with a “homemade recipe.” While Jeni’s uses “grass-grazed milk, local produce, and certified fair trade ingredients” to make it’s artisan flavored ice creams like Whiskey & Pecans, Goat Cheese With Red Cherries, and Wheat Grass, Pear, Vinho Verde Sherbet. Clearly, Jeni’s target demographic is people who don’t like ice cream.

So you’re telling me that ice cream from these fair-trade, artisan, family-owned companies is contaminated?! Where can we get some good ol’ fashioned bacteria-free, American ice cream?

Oh that’s right, baby! Say what you will about McDonald’s not paying their employees enough money to live, you’ll never find listeria in a McFlurry.

Unless “listeria” is code for….

Corn Syrup Solids, Mono- and Diglycerides, Guar Gum, Dextrose, Sodium Citrate, Artificial Vanilla Flavor, Sodium Phosphate, Carrageenan, Disodium Phosphate, Cellulose Gum, Vitamin A Palmitate, Yellow 5 Lake, Red 40 Lake, Blue 1 Lake, Yellow 6 Lake, Blue 2 Lake, Yellow 5, Red 40, Blue 1, Yellow 6, Blue 2, and Dextrin.

But hey, I don’t see the word bacteria. Does this mean McDonald’s is better for you than artisan ice cream?!

Jeni’s own website describes the bacteria as an organism that could cause serious infections, which may result in death or getting a fever, severe headache, stiffness, nausea, abdominal pains, and diarrhea. Also known as everything you experience after eating McDonald’s!

This whole time we’ve been trashing those golden arches, saying they're destroying our society, when they’ve actually been helping us build up an immunity to fight listeria. 


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