Mike Lemme

The St. Mark's Sessions begin November 10th!

Dr. Dre's Apology

After being criticized for leaving out NWA's history of violence against women in 'Straight Out Of Compton,' Dr. Dre released a statement to the New York Times, apologizing to all the women he abused, claiming he's not the same person he was 25 years ago.

This seems like a huge step in the right direction, until you realize the biggest difference between 25-year-old Dr. Dre and 50-year-old Dr. Dre (besides WA now standing for "With AARP") is he just signed a billion-dollar deal with Apple.

Releasing this short statement is the least he can do to apologize.

Dr. Dre has so much money, he could buy The New York Times and turn every issue into an apology to one of the women he assaulted.

Call it "Dr. Dre Presents: The Times....I Fucked Up."

Throw an Apple logo on it and boom, not only do you spread awareness on how to not be a monster, you also make the newspaper industry relevant again.

It is good to see Dr. Dre apologizing, but is he really taking responsibility for his actions? In his statement, Dr. Dre says they aren't excuses for his actions, but he blames his abusive relationships with women on drinking too much and having no life structure, which makes complete sense, because whenever you see a drunk homeless person, they're always beating up women.

If all Dr. Dre feels responsible to do is release a statement, he should at least treat it like his music by keeping it real, "I'm sorry. When I was 25, I was an asshole. I didn't respect women, and I had no idea that in 25 years, a huge corporation might stop giving me billions of dollars if I don't address this."

Why God Needs To Send Stone Cold To Whoop Josh Duggar's Ass

As part of his apology for using Ashley Madison, Josh Duggar asked people to pray for his "precious wife Anna."

In response, God said, "What else can I do?! I already came to her in the form of all of your sisters, who you molested (!!) and she still didn't leave you!! Are you fucking kidding me?!"

Be sure to catch God's final attempt at saving Josh Duggar's wife in the new made-for-TV movie, '19 Kids vs Austin 3:16'

Oh yeah, that's right!! You can take your TLC, you can take your Family Research Council, you can take your love for child molestation, you can take your Ashley Madison. Talk about your psalms, talk about your John 3:16, Austin 3:16 says, "I just whooped your ass!"

That's right, God should send Stone Cold Steve Austin to whoop Josh Duggar's ass.

Finally, if it's well-known you molested your sisters, you shouldn't be allowed to use words like "precious," especially to describe your wife. Though, it would have been completely acceptable if Josh Duggar said, "I'm sorry, please pray for my clearly mentally challenged, precious wife Anna."

Straight Outta History

In an opt-ed for Gawker, a woman who accused Dr. Dre of assault said NWA's history of violence against women was not included in Straight Out Of Compton because, "the truth is too ugly for general audiences." If the article doesn't spread awareness on these crimes, at least we know that her quote will forever be used on page 1 of American History textbooks.

FDA Legalizes OxyContin For 11-Year-Olds

The FDA will allow doctors to prescribe the powerful painkiller OxyContin to 11-year-olds, but only if they can already tolerate 20 milligrams of oxycondone (OxyContin's lame older brother, who goes home early).

As a result, some 11-year-olds will feel relief from tortuous pain caused by diseases and injuries, while other 11-year-olds will feel a whole new kind of pain caused by their parents being disappointed in them for not being addicted to painkillers.

"Oh I'm sorry, sweetie, you're in pain? There's nothing I can do until you go back to your room, find some more pills with oxycondone, and snort them! In this family we have rules! You know we don't take our Oxycontin until we finish our oxycondone. We do not eat dessert before dinner."

On a side note, one completely healthy 11-year-old is now describing recess as being "chill as fuck."